by rachel

i barely have words anymore. some days i work at wringing them out anyway, hoping that maybe that will bring them back to me. today as i walked back home from a friend’s going away party, i wondered what forgiveness means. during the walk home i felt some sense of peace, like all of this was in the past and it didn’t matter because i’ve made it out okay regardless. does forgiveness mean i can do all of this again though? some days it makes me feel like i’m strong enough to stick it out again if i still believe in the dreams and worlds that we have built together. i’m stubborn enough that i know no one else can make this decision for me but myself. that regardless of what the world says time and time again, i will refuse to believe that a generic answer could work. i suppose it’s because i believe that i’m stronger than this. that a part of me believes i can and might still be willing to press on despite everything that has transpired. do i still want this? do i really still want this??